“You Have to Feel to Heal.”
Before recovery, I would use just about anything not to feel. Drugs, alcohol, relationships, food, TV — the list was endless. Without tools to deal with my feelings, I was uncomfortable and afraid of them, and they often became overwhelming.
In early recovery my sponsor always used to tell me that feelings were not facts. They were just feelings. It took me a long time to understand that, but now I know that as bad as some of my feeling are, they won’t kill me. Recovery has taught me that I can now sit with my felings and learn what they are trying to teach me.
Today I have come to welcome my feelings rather than run from them. Today my feelings are like little guides that lead me to the depths of who I am, and I am no longer afraid to go there. Today I know that to feel is to heal in a sacred and profound way. Today I am grateful for my feelings.
“The difference between my will and God’s will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, and God’s will starts out hard and gets easy.”
A perfect example of this quote is the program itself. My will told me it was much easier to keep using and doing what I was doing then to work the program and the steps. Of course, my will may have appeared easier at first, but oh how hard that path was. By contrast, God’s will for me was to recover, and though it was hard at first my life is infinitely better and life truly is easier.
The main problem with my will is that it is first and foremost about me. It tricks me into believing that if I take care of my wants first, then I’ll be able to help another — of course I usually find out that my wants are insatiable, and I quickly become lost in their demands.
God’s will, on the other hand, is usually about helping others and with what’s right for all concerned — the whole picture in which I am just part. While this seems backwards to me at times, I always find out that when I’m able to surrender to God’s will, my real wants and needs are met and exceeded in ways I never could have imagined.
These days it’s easier for me to differentiate between my will and God’s will, and more and more I’m able to make the right choice. Ultimately. it’s about being comfortable in my own skin, and only choosing God’s guarantees me that.